(I suck at title making 😂)
I’m on vacation! Can you believe it? As Kuya Bong of B1G North Edsa told me last saturday: “may bakasyon pala ang mga med students?“. I’m savoring my vacation because this coming school year will be soooooooooo bloody. But honestly, 8 days palang, I’m already so bored. I’m even contemplating on learning how to make homemade noodles. Hand-pulled noodles to be exact.
I was supposed to study in advance but the promo boards’ list of students who are promoted to second year have not been posted yet. I did my best…? But of course, the fear is still there. We are/I am still over thinking. Over thinking that what we/I did is not enough. What if becoming a doctor is not my calling? Have I wasted my time and my family’s money? I tried to be optimistic and think that almost all medical students feel this way too. I tried to analyze and I discovered my fear and what might be the reason why I feel this way. I am scared that I didn’t learn enough, that I may be the reason why someone will die, that instead of helping, I make the situation worse. So…since I’m kinda not doing anything this vacation, I really prayed and looked for more reason why I’m studying medicine. If you have read my other entries, I think I have ranted/complained on how hard med school is, that is why I always say to those who ask me for advice regarding med school, “you better make sure you love it because it is really really really hard.”
This week is also our prayer and fasting at church. To cut the long story short, I prayed that God will change my view of studying medicine. I admit that I have been studying just for the sake of passing and just…studying, ya know. I was not able to appreciate the wonderful creation of God, our body.
For to have been thought about, born in God’s thought and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking
I prayed that God will change my heart because it makes studying lighter. Imagine thinking or feeling excited to study because you know how precious every single person/body is instead of thinking “I have so many things to read and memorize. I feel like my head is going to explode.” I pray that God will always remind me of my purpose too. Not for the money (#ParaSaPera) but always for the people (#ParaSaBayan). And as always, God has a perfect timing. He uses people to continuously encourage you, even in the moments where you feel you don’t need one.
And for today’s entry (naks), He sent me another blessing and since I will be a future doctor, let’s now practice patient privacy (naks # 2) and not name drop. This person (you know who you are, I love you bebe 🌸) from my fanmily (hey yo ADN fam ❤️) asked my about a certain medical condition. I can’t remember if I have written about it but in our first year, all we study is the normal bodily functions and all the diseases are taught/tackled in second year, then management or making the “abnormal” back to “normal” during our third year then we handle patients during our fourth year. Anyway, back to this person. Patient/Person Z (oh diba, practice practice na hehe) is asking about a certain medical condition and I told her that I haven’t encountered it yet. She messaged me again later that day and told me that after we study about it, I’ll explain it to her and enlighten her. Going back to the doctor for follow up can be a scary thing, even I didn’t go back to my cardio for a follow up…last 2010? or 2009? I also talked to another person whose son has a condition and even with the thorough explanation of the doctor, the son doesn’t want to go back for a follow up. I believe that there is no coincidence, God has something to teach me. I also fear that one day, my patients might not come back to me for a follow up because they might be scared or they didn’t really understand the way I explain things to them and while I am typing this right now, I suddenly realized that God has answered my prayer or in the proccess/middle of answering it! I prayed before that I may become a compassionate doctor. You see, after years of being “eaten” by books, we sometimes forget that our patient the person, not the disease (if that made sense plus mas magandang pakinggan pala ang “magpalamon sa libro” HAHAHA!) But if we, as future doctors, practice compassion, I think we will be able to help or influence people more. I believe that a doctor’s job is beyond curing the disease of the patient but also to inspire each to be a better person, in every way possible. Not only was I inspired to study harder next year (because of my friend), but I was touched and happy that God sent me someone to show me that I can be trusted as a future doctor. Our conversation might be just a “small thing” for others but it meant so much to me. Again, this goes back to my fear of not being enough for my future patients but God will truly never let you down.
I thought that the best feeling I can feel as a medical student is to be called “doctor” even though we are not YET doctors, but I was wrong. I think being able to feel trusted as a future doctor is the best.
I hope this entry made sense to you, whoever reads this.
This week has been wonderful because He gave me a clear vision of my purpose again. I am forever grateful for the people He sends me.
I pray that this will be my constant “state” for the rest of 2018, and maybe even beyond.
Issa Gan 💜