Lalaban, Klarissa Elaine.

March 11, 2018. Sunday.

Before anything else, I want to make things clear. My family is supportive of my dream to become a doctor. It’s just that I feel that they are not 100% supportive.

I was asked by my uncle (the one financing my med school) about my grades in med school. I honestly can’t say that I’m not sure if I’ll pass 2 of my subjects. Like divine intervention nalang talaga pag-asa nun. So I explained to him the “outright pass”, “outright fail”, and “remeds” system. (I want to explain them right now but I still have to study. I just need to let this out, thus another blog post.) If I will rank all my subjects from the one that I struggle the most to “I know I’ll pass this one, I just need to maintain my grade” subject, this will be it:

  1. Gross Anatomy
  2. Physiology
  3. Histology/Microscopic Anatomy
  4. Biochemistry
  5. Family Medicine//Bioethics (these 2 subjects have the same ranking).

You see, I really have a hard time memorizing. Gross Anatomy requires us to memorize and understand EVERYTHING. I’m not even exaggerating. All the blood supply, blood drainage, parts/grooves/indentations of each bone, every segment of an organ…basically every small detail of the human body. Then for Physiology, the twin of Anatomy, it will explain every “part” of human anatomy. I do understand and appreciate Anatomy and Physiology, it is truly amazing, but for whatever reason, I can’t seem to memorize them all. Anyway, I just told my uncle that I’m struggling with Physiology and Anatomy, for the reason stated above. He then asked me after what my plans are if I passed. I told him that I want to see my friends whom I haven’t seen in a long time (because med school), I want to go to the beach. Then he asked me what if I failed and have to take remeds. I just said “I don’t know.” because I honestly don’t know if he is willing to finance my remeds but I didn’t mean that I didn’t want to continue med school. (I know, it’s my fault that I wasn’t specific.) It is hard and hell-ish but I do really love to study about the human body, or even studying in general. But you know what he said? “You did your best, if you fail, business it is.” You see, if I didn’t enter med school, I would be either starting my own business or slowly taking over some family businesses, since no one in my family is “business-minded” enough or want to do business and because this is a “bigger issue” *another blog entry* Jusko, ang daldal ko hanggang dito.

Again. My family is very supportive but there are moments where they’ll say “sana wala ka sa med school para kasama ka sa *insert ganap here*.” To me, that is very demotivating. I love going out, seeing new places, experiencing new stuffs, but right now all I need is people who will say “Aral ka lang jan, once you graduate, tsaka tayo mag *insert ganap here*. I really need people who’ll encourage me fully and not demotivate/discourage me. I can sense it even though it is very subtle.

Such a simple thing but let’s make kulay. I think this affected me so much because deep down, I doubt myself. I thinkslightly believe that I won’t make it. That my brain cannot survive med school. That my mental and physical state can’t cope with my dreams. That I won’t be able to achieve my dream. That I won’t achieve anything at all. That I’ll forever be an average.

You are too smart to NOT be in health sciences/sciences but too dumb for higher health sciences/hardcore sciences.

But you know, iba talaga ang Diyos.

I silently cried to God. I asked Him what I needed to do, even though I knew what I had to do. I have to fully trust Him of my future. I want to but as of now, I’m struggling on how to. He also reminded me that I am more than an average, that it is the devil that fed me these lies for years, and that I let that consume me, destroy my self-confidence.

For to have been thought about, born in God’s thought and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking. — George MacDonald.

At hindi pa talaga tapos ang Diyos,

He sent me someone, let’s call her blessing because she is truly a blessing. Nah, pangalanan na natin. He sent me Faye Tolosa. (check out her blog y’all. fayethful.wordpress.com ). She said the words that I always say to encourage people, the words I knew by heart, the words I hold onto but forget at times.

God is there for you. Anumang pagkukulang mo, kaya niyang punuan. 

“But the Lord stood with me and gave me strength.” – 2 Timothy 4:17

Sa mga pagkakataon na hindi mo na kaya, ok lang. Kasi kaya ni Lord yan. Pwedeng sumuko. Isuko mo lang sa Lord. He gotchu.

Then she said something that made me cry. Again, these are the word I say AND hear, the words I knew by heart, but for the first time (I don’t even know why), I felt it. I felt that it was real. I felt how genuine it is. THAT made me cry.

I am praying for you.

I hope you find comfort in the thought na someone in this corner of the world is really praying for you.

If you know me personally, you know that there are a lot of people praying for me. But why did this have more impact? I guess I feel like the people around me are not praying for me wholeheartedly. This may be just lies that the devil is feeding me again, I don’t know for sure. But why? Why do I feel like this? Because I know a lot of people were affected when I entered med school. I gave up so many things and I am thinking every single day if it was worth it. And honestly, people around me making me feel that this is not worth it. Except for a few people my “true” support group, my ADN Family. They never fail to encourage me. They always remind me that this will be all worth it, to rest or have a small break, that I can do it. They even call me “Doc Elaine” already, even though I am just at the first step on becoming a doctor. It may seem small but the impact is really big for me.

At the start, if you asked me why I wanted to entered med school (pending blog ha ha ha), I would say that I wanted to help those who can’t afford some medical procedures and such. Almost 7 months in, I learned that I wanted so much more. I still want to help the poor, but now it seems more clear as to how. I want to do medical missions. I slightly want to be a “doctor to the barrio” (if you don’t know what that is, ask google.) I want to earn lots of money so that I can buy or give out free medications and “needs” while in medical missions. But mostly, I wanted to give back. For now, all I can offer for the people I close to my heart is myself. The promise that I will be here to listen no matter what. But in the future, I want to be able to help them as a doctor. The one who will help them manage their physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. I’ve been thinking about this several times and tonight, I feel like this solidified for me (if that makes sense.)

So, I will fight.

I will fight for my dream.

I will fight for the people close to my heart.

I will fight for my future patients.

I will fight.

now, back to studying General Senses because tomorrow/later is already monday and monday is for Physiology Unit Tests.

Lalaban,

Issa Gan 💜

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One thought on “Lalaban, Klarissa Elaine.

  1. I am honestly lost for words when i read your entry. You had always been the positive, energetic and hopeful one, and reading you pour your heart makes my heart bleed. But as much as i can literally hear your heart breaking, I am amazed at your renewed strength. Each day may be a struggle, but i saw that you know where to find that needed inspiration, and yes, even where to find consolation. Ang tapang mo Elaine. Sobra. And I am just so proud of you. I really wish I can be there for you more as you go through all these. I may not be there all the time but please believe me when i say, i sincerely and wholeheartedly pray for you and Hannah when you ask for strength and encouragement. Now, I know that i need to do this more often seeing how you are struggling. Laban lang Doc! And trust in God’s divine plan for you. I am always cheering for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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